Sin, Snacks, and Self-Control: Revelations on the denial of pleasure and reclaiming satisfaction with food

Written by: Raquel Griffin MSW RSW
Time to read: 5 minutes

Sinful snacks, cheat days, and junk food— oh my!! These phrases probably sound pretty familiar; they demonstrate some of the ways in which diet culture’s flavours of puritanism, morality, and virtue are baked into our common discourses surrounding food and eating.

Historically, religion has long shaped the way we think about food and our bodies. Religions issued warnings about gluttony, engaging in fasting practices and avoidances of what could be seen as indulgent. These practices weren’t about weight loss for its own sake or the effects of eating on a person’s size, but about how bodily pleasure was thought to compromise the soul. It was penance: a way of making up for all the times you had screwed up that year, rather than a way of punishing your body for being too large.

Early Protestant Christianity associated bodily pleasure with moral weakness, emphasizing restraint and self-discipline as pathways to spiritual purity. Protestant Christian clergy and leaders like Sylvester Graham and John Harvey Kellogg were pioneers of so-called “healthy eating”, linking bland diets to moral and sexual chastity; this included their own inventions of the Graham Cracker and Cornflakes. Graham believed that all of America’s moral failings could be traced back to “unholy” ways of eating, which could be cured with a strict diet. Graham’s list of “excess” of sinful indulgences included: meat, spices, caffeine, alcohol, and warmed/heated food, to name a few. He even instructed his followers to abstain from dancing (“Footloose” style), to take cold baths, and sleep on hard beds. These practices weren’t merely about health—they were about control and conformity. 

While some of these diets would be seen as overkill today, their legacy persists in modern diet culture’s manifestations, emphasizing individual responsibility which equates thinness with virtue and fatness as a moral failing. In practice, this looks like promoting restrictive eating as a marker of self-worth, abstaining or using “caution” with demonized foods, and pathologizing fatness as inherently diseased and wild. Diet culture’s obsession with categorizing foods as “good” or “bad” not only distorts our relationship with food but also fuels systemic oppression. It marginalizes those who don’t fit its narrow ideals, often targeting women and femmes, racialized folks, queer folks, disabled and those in larger or fat bodies. These standards are rooted not in health but in control—diet culture is a system of oppression, in all its facets.

Reclaiming Pleasure with Intuitive Eating
Intuitive Eating principles offer a roadmap for this reclamation like rejecting the diet mentality, honouring hunger, making peace with food, and discovering the satisfaction factor.

  • Unconditional Permission to Eat
    Instead of viewing food as an enemy, allow yourself to enjoy it— label guilt as such when you notice it. You’ll notice that when you embrace variety and remove restrictions, food eventually loses its “forbidden fruit” allure.
  • Discover the Satisfaction Factor
    Tune into your senses: what flavours, textures, or aromas do you truly enjoy? Eating with intention—savouring each bite and minimizing distractions—can transform meals into moments of joy.
  • Create Joyful Food Memories
    Food doesn’t solely meet physical needs but also serves as a source of emotional and social connection. It brings people together, creates traditions, and tells stories. Recognizing these facets helps us see food as more than calories or nutrients—it’s a part of life’s richness. Make meaningful connections to memories involving food that were joyful. Who were you with? What made the experience special?


Reclaiming pleasure in food is an act of resistance against diet culture and the oppressive systems that sustain it. By rejecting rigidity, embracing flexibility, and reconnecting with ourselves, we can rediscover the joy and pleasure that eating was always meant to bring. A parting invitation: take that treasured creation of Sylvester’s Graham cracker and squish between two of them a warm, toasted marshmallow and melted chocolate square… Mmmm… what a delicious “Fuck you” to diet culture.

References:

Carlton, G. (2022, February 2). Meet sylvester graham, the religious health nut who thought white bread was evil. Retrieved from: https://allthatsinteresting.com/sylvester-graham

Look, M. (2024, February 12). Why was cereal invented? A brief history of corn flakes. Retrieved from: https://history.howstuffworks.com/american-history/why-was-cereal-invented.htm

Harrison, C. (2019). Anti-diet: Reclaim your time, money, well-being, and happiness through intuitive eating. Little Brown: UK.

Harrison, C. (2019, May 20). Episode#196: diet culture’s racist roots with Sabrina Strings. Food Psych. Retrieved from https://christyharrison.com/foodpsych/6/the-racist-roots-of-diet- culture-with-sabrina-strings-sociologist-and-author-of-fearing-the-black-body 

Harrison, C. (2018, August 10). What is diet culture? Retrieved from: https://christyharrison.com/blog/what-is-diet-culture

Smith, A. F. (2009). Eating history: 30 turning points in the making of American cuisine. New York: Columbia University Press.

Strings, S. (2023, May 6). Fatphobia as misogynoir: gender, race & weight stigma. Body Talks Conference, Untrapped Academy. 

Strings, S. (2019). Fearing the black body: the racial origins of fatphobia. New York University Press: New York.

Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2020). Intuitive eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach, 4th ed. St Martin’s Publishing Group: New York.

Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2017). The intuitive eating workbook: ten principles for nourishing a healthy relationship with food. New Harbinger Publications: Oakland.

What to Expect When Working with an Eating Disorder Dietitian

Written by: Courtenay Vickers RD

Time to read: 6 minutes

What comes up for you when thinking about working with a dietitian? Many people might say they feel anxious, or perhaps express fear that they’re going to be weighed, or maybe they’re worried about getting “lectured” to by the dietitian.

Navigating the journey of recovery from an eating disorder can be overwhelming, but understanding the role of an eating disorders dietitian (ED RD) can help illuminate the path forward. Let’s explore what a dietitian is, what you can expect when working with an ED RD, and practical steps to get connected with one. And, hopefully, leave you feeling less unsure and more confident about getting started with an ED RD.

What is a Registered Dietitian (RD)?

Registered Dietitians are healthcare professionals who provide evidence-based nutrition and food information to help individuals lead sustainable and enjoyable lives. To hold the professional title, a dietitian must:

  • Obtain a degree in nutrition from an accredited university.
  • Complete a one-year internship with rotations in clinical and community nutrition, and foodservice.
  • Pass a national registration exam.
  • Register with their provincial dietetic regulatory body.
  • Meet annual continuing education requirements.

Dietitians take a holistic approach, focusing on the overall well-being of their clients. In the context of eating disorders, this often involves specialized training and ongoing supervision to address the unique challenges of these conditions.

A note on “nutritionists”: In some provinces, the term nutritionist is a protected title that can only be used by Registered Dietitians. Currently, only applies to Alberta, Quebec, and Nova Scotia. Other titles, such as holistic nutritionist, nutrition coach, etc. can mean different things, but they are NOT the same as an RD. Educational background and ongoing education, level of competence, and regulations can vary drastically. 

When an RD says they are eating disorder specialized, this means the RD has specialized training and supervision in addition to their required schooling. Unfortunately, most university nutrition programs have very little to no training on eating disorders, which means many eating disorder-specialized dietitians have gone on to complete many additional trainings and hours in supervision to build their competence and confidence to support those seeking recovery from an eating disorder.

ED RDs are a critical part of the professional care team for ED recovery, alongside a therapist & primary care provider. Many ED RDs have also adopted weight-inclusive, anti-diet, and HAES-aligned perspectives.

The Role of an Eating Disorders Dietitian

Eating disorders dietitians are a vital part of the recovery team, working alongside therapists and primary care providers. Their responsibilities include:

  • Conducting comprehensive nutrition assessments and regular follow-ups.
  • Developing personalized nutrition care plans.
  • Assisting with the implementation of these plans.
  • Addressing dysfunctional thoughts and emotions related to eating, food, or body image.
  • Collaborating with other healthcare providers and, when appropriate, family members.

What will come up in sessions with an ED RD?

Generally, the top nutrition priorities when working with a dietitian for recovery will be working towards nutritional adequacy and regularity with eating. Along the way there will likely be many other themes to explore and areas to work on, such as:

  • Exploration of weight stigma
  • Understanding set point theory, metabolism, and energy needs
  • Challenging diet culture and internal beliefs about food
  • Meal planning and grocery shopping
  • Pacing of meals
  • Fear foods / trigger foods
  • Body image
  • Intuitive and mindful eating practices
  • Managing gastrointestinal issues and nutrient deficiencies
  • …and many other things!

Most ED RDs will be bringing in tons of compassion and validation along the way, and an acknowledgment that the eating disorder is not your fault. Sessions generally should provide you with a supportive environment and a non-judgmental space to explore these complex issues, as you take these brave steps forward in your recovery.

What to Expect in Your Sessions

Initial Sessions

The first few sessions typically involve a nutrition assessment to understand your current nutritional status and recovery needs. This helps set the foundation for your personalized care plan.

Follow-Up Sessions

Subsequent sessions usually start with a check-in, where you can share your progress, challenges, and reflections. Together with your dietitian, you will work on breaking down the next steps toward your nutrition and recovery goals. Sessions can be conducted virtually or in person, depending on your dietitian’s practice setup.

Duration of Treatment

The length of time you will work with a dietitian varies based on individual needs, the availability of the RD, financial considerations, and accessibility. Many individuals see their RD every 1-2 weeks and continue until they can sustainably manage regular and adequate eating patterns, often spanning several months to a year or more.

How to Get Connected with a Dietitian

Free Options

  • Referral: Your primary care provider or specialist can refer you to a clinic with a dietitian on the team.
  • Family Health Teams, Primary Care Networks, and Community Health Centres: These often have dietitians available and offer free workshops, education programs, and counseling.
  • Home & Community Care Services and Hospitals: Ask your case manager or hospital staff about dietitian services.
  • Telehealth Services: Call 8-1-1 or visit the website to ask dietitians questions for free.

Finding an Eating Disorder Specialized Dietitian

  • National Eating Disorder Information Center (NEDIC) – Find A Provider
  • Dietitians of Canada – Find A Dietitian
  • EDforRDs – Find A Dietitian
  • Association for Size Diversity and Health (ASDAH) – Healthcare Provider Listing
  • International Association for Eating Disorder Professionals (IAEDP) – Member Search
  • Intuitive Eating Counselor Directory

Tips for accessing and picking your RD

Note – if you are part of a hospital-based program, you generally won’t get a say in who your dietitian is.

  • Consider your options based on where you live and financially: In-person vs virtual, Private practice vs a free option, sliding scale and/or direct billing to insurance providers, etc.
  • RDs with eating disorder knowledge may or may not highlight the extent of their expertise online, so ask about their knowledge and comfort level of working with EDs
  • Some ED RDs will specialize more specifically with a certain type of ED (ex, ARFID or BED). Consider your symptoms and ask the RD if they have additional training/experience with what you’re struggling with.
  • Consider what values the dietitian has, and if they are in alignment with yours
  • Ask if you can meet with the RD for a free initial call to see if you’re a good fit
  • It’s okay to say if you’re nervous!

Working with an eating disorders dietitian can be a transformative step in your recovery journey. By understanding what to expect and how to get connected with the right professional, you can take proactive steps towards a healthier relationship with food and your body. For those living in Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, or Ontario, virtual nutrition counseling options are available through the Aleo Collective.

For more information or to schedule a free discovery call with the dietitian at The Aleo Collective, visit courtenayvickersrd.com and follow on social media at @courtenayvickersrd.

Remember: you are worthy of reaching out for help 💕

New Year New View: A Dietitian’s Take on Challenging Diet Culture

Posted by: Courtenay Vickers RD
Time to read: 8 minutes

What is diet culture anyway?

Diet culture can be defined in many ways. I’ve been an RD (short for Registered Dietitian) for the past 10 years, and adopted a weight-inclusive lens with my practice about 6 years ago. I’ll preface this blog (as I did in my recent webinar) that I am constantly learning more about what diet culture is, how it shows up, and what to do instead.

When asked this question (re: what is diet culture anyway) I often reply by saying something to the effect of: diet culture is the harmful belief that certain body shapes and sizes are better than others, and there’s a “right” way of eating. To which I typically get the follow up question of “but you’re a dietitian, isn’t there a right way of eating?”. My response from here can get quite nuanced, depending on the audience – in short, there is no one-size-fits-all way of eating, because bodies are meant to be incredibly diverse and different! Not to mention everyone’s unique relationship with food, cultural connections and traditions with food, access to food, etc.

One definition of diet culture that I keep coming back to is by Christy Harrison:

“Diet culture is a system of beliefs that:

  • – Worships thinness and equates it to health and moral virtue, which means you can spend your whole life thinking you’re irreparably broken just because you don’t look like the impossibly thin “ideal.”
  • – Promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, which means you feel compelled to spend a massive amount of time, energy, and money trying to shrink your body, even though the research is very clear that almost no one can sustain intentional weight loss for more than a few years.
  • – Demonizes certain ways of eating while elevating others, which means you’re forced to be hyper-vigilant about your eating, ashamed of making certain food choices, and distracted from your pleasure, your purpose, and your power.
  • – Oppresses people who don’t match up with its supposed picture of “health,” which disproportionately harms women, femmes, trans folks, people in larger bodies, people of color, and people with disabilities, damaging both their mental and physical health.”
https://christyharrison.com/blog/what-is-diet-culture

Diet culture in the new year

So, now that we have a bit more of an idea of what diet culture is, here’s a short list of various ways I’m seeing diet culture show up so far in 2024:

  • Overemphasis on getting “strong”
  • Influx of “clean eating”
  • Overambitious fitness goals
  • Bigger emphasis on dietary supplements
  • More orthorexic tendencies
  • Orthorexia = an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating
  • Sudden removal of entire food groups
  • Increased use of calorie-tracking apps + smart watches
  • Health washing + green washing on food labels
  • X # of day challenges related to food and/or fitness
  • “Watching” what you eat
  • More labelling of foods as good/bad, healthy/unhealthy
  • Lifestyle changes and wellness journeys

Here’s an interesting fact to highlight diet culture’s prevalence: according to Forbes, the top New Year’s resolutions in 2024 include improved fitness, losing weight, and improved diet.

I think it’s important to note that while there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with these resolutions, I find they are often fueled by diet culture and can perpetuate, worsen, or ignite eating disorder behaviours.

Why I’m concerned as a weight-inclusive dietitian in the eating disorder space

I’m concerned because diet culture can often be a precursor to eating disorders, and can perpetuate disordered eating behaviours. I think it’s important to mention that many factors can spur a full-blown eating disorder, such as genetics, food insecurity, trauma, and more (this is probably a topic for another blog post). And, diet culture is, unfortunately, a common piece that shows up along the way either in the development or recovery from an eating disorder. 

Challenging diet culture

Depending on where you are at with your journey to healing, you may have already started to challenge diet culture! I’ve compiled below a short list of ways I commonly find helpful to challenge diet culture (whether you’re starting this for the first time, or perhaps you are further along):

  • Learning more about the harms of diet culture
  • Setting boundaries (with yourself and/or others)
  • Stop labelling foods in binaries such as good/bad, or healthy/unhealthy
  • Take time to check in with yourself
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Get curious about a non-diet approach (or similar)

Here’s a short list of some keywords you may find helpful to guide your own reading and research as you start to learn more and challenge diet culture:

  • Anti-diet
  • Intuitive Eating
  • Body Liberation
  • Non-diet
  • Weight-inclusive
  • Health At Every Size®
  • Fat Positive

What to do next

A big (non-exhaustive) list of specific things you may or may not want to try instead of participating in diet culture this new year:

  • Eat regularly throughout the day. For some, this might look like multiple meals and snacks throughout the day. This might mean seeking help from a trusted support person, or a professional such as a dietitian. 
  • Integrate challenge foods, if you find there are foods in your life that are holding some sort of power over you. This might be foods that you are fearful of, foods you avoid completely, or foods that you often feel ‘out of control’ around. Integrating challenge foods is something that I typically only recommend once we are getting enough food in regularly first, and then slowly integrating the challenge foods one at a time in a structured way. 
  • Play with movement in a way that feels good for you and your body (only if this is medically appropriate and accessible for you).
  • Work on staying appropriately hydrated. What this might mean is ensuring you are drinking adequate fluids (or high fluid food sources) throughout the day. Watch out for overdoing it with caffeine as this can cause dehydration. 
  • Prioritize rest! And not just sleeping enough at night, but allowing space to rest during your waking hours. For some this might mean taking a nap, allowing yourself to ‘do nothing’ for an afternoon, or perhaps it’s pausing what you are doing for a few minutes periodically throughout the day to slow down and check-in with yourself.
  • Take time to explore your relationship with food and body. This might mean journaling, talking about this in therapy or with a dietitian, or reflecting on your own. 
  • Cultivate self-compassion ❤️ I truly believe we can’t talk about nutrition without talking about self-compassion. Nourishing ourselves and challenging diet culture is not always an easy thing to do. And at times, it can feel like a struggle. Can we work towards being kind and gentle with ourselves as we navigate all the sticky murky bits?
  • Challenge your food rules – especially if you find there are specific rules/patterns/or behaviours related to your eating getting in the way of recovery.
  • Re-evaluate your use of the scale and set limits around this. Many find it helpful to hide the scale, reduce the frequency of how often you use it, or get rid of it entirely. If it’s absolutely medically necessary to be weighed, consider these limits or have it done blindly at a clinic.
  • Put away diet apps and/or fitness trackers/watches. As a dietitian, I rarely find these pieces of tech actually helpful, and, if anything, they often cause an unnecessary focus and obsession with food/movement.
  • Curate your social media to better support your pro-recovery and anti-diet goals
  • Pick up a workbook or book related to ED recovery and/or an anti-diet approach
  • Improve your sleep hygiene. For some this might mean developing a bedtime routine, sticking to a sleeping schedule, or reducing caffeine intake.
  • Try a support group geared towards eating disorder recovery, body image, or intuitive eating (depending on where you are at and what fits best). 
  • Get professional help from an eating disorder registered dietitian, therapist, social worker, nurse practitioner, family doctor, or psychiatrist. 

I hope that by the time you are done reading this, something has stood out to you. Whether it’s a small takeaway, a new learning to ponder, or a new perspective on a familiar theme, I hope this has resonated with those reading. 

For anyone wanting to dig a little bit deeper, I’ll end with a few reflective prompts below.

Reflective prompts to help you challenge diet culture:

Whether or not journaling in a pen-and-paper way is your thing, these reflective prompts may be helpful as you work on challenging diet culture and healing your relationship with food and body:

  • How has diet culture shown up for you in your life?
  • What would it be like to step away from diet culture?
  • What’s the scariest part of challenging diet culture for you?
  • Who or what might be helpful to you during this process?
  • What’s one small thing you can do this month to challenge diet culture in your life?

“Yes, I’m Really Eating That!” (Boundaries Part Two)

Posted by: Lee Thomas

Time to read: 6 minutes


You can read Part One here.

Ok, so let’s get to the actual process of this: what does it LOOK like to set boundaries? When I recently did a webinar on this topic, it was around Thanksgiving specifically and so we talked about the three approaches of “subtle, solid, and spicy”. If you’re thinking that that’s just a rebrand of “passive, assertive, and aggressive” then you are absolutely correct :). But to keep with our driving metaphor here, I’m going to go with “swerve, educate, and honk”. 

Part of the reason that I don’t like to just talk about passive, aggressive, and assertive communication is because I think that “passive” and “aggressive” get a bad rap. Every communication style has its strengths and weaknesses, and I do really feel like there’s a time and a place for almost everything. Communication skills are just tools like everything else — instead of assessing whether a tool is good or bad I think it’s more useful to ask if this tool is well-suited for the outcome you are trying to achieve. Education is great, but there’s times where swerving and/or honking are the more effective tool! Every approach has potential pros and potential cons.

The goal of the “Swerve” approach is to avoid engagement. That’s an okay thing to do! Not every person or every moment deserves your engagement. The key element of nuance here is that while this approach might “keep the peace,” I would argue that it’s not the same thing as being selfless or compassionate. Compassion in our relationships usually looks more like “education,” even though it doesn’t feel as pleasant in the moment.

Best used with: relationships that you don’t think merit engagement (at this moment in time)

In my opinion “Educate” is the most complicated approach, because it asks that you engage really sincerely with the other person. This is a good example of the concept mentioned earlier, about how boundaries are a gift to our relationships. Even though in the short term this approach is not necessarily super comfortable, in the long term it helps the relationship become an environment that both of you can feel good in — and that’s an incredible gift to give to both of you.

Best used with: relationships that you care about and want to deepen.

Let’s go back to the driving metaphor. Honking can serve a handful of different purposes. We usually think of it just as a way of saying “Hey! F*** you!” But it can also be a way of trying to communicate information that you have no other way of communicating. “You’re coming into my lane!” “Pay attention!” “Stop it!” Honking can serve similar purposes in our relationships. I definitely think there’s a time and place for honking, but I think it’s kind to our relationships to try different approaches first. But, like with driving, you need to assess the current situation and respond accordingly.

Best used with: careful consideration, after other approaches have not worked.


I would love to expand on the above approaches, but this piece is already getting kind of long. Brevity is not generally my strong suit. So instead let’s look at what these approaches might look like in practice. As a heads up (or a content/trigger warning), I’ve used some specific examples of diet talk below. I’m hoping these situations are specific enough to be useful, but generic enough to be generalizable to your life. They’re certainly not designed to be triggering, but diet culture is a tricky beast and so if you notice that you’re feeling triggered, feel free to take some space. This blog post isn’t going anywhere babe! You can come back to it a different day!

You can use these responses verbatim if they work for you, but lots of them probably won’t be a perfect fit. Adapt them as much as you need to. And if you see a response that makes you shudder, that’s okay too — take what’s helpful and leave the rest. 

Situation 1: Hungry Eyes

Your family is together for the holidays. At dinner, your cousin glances over at your plate and says “you’re really eating all of that?”

Swerve: Yep, I am! Anyway, how have your kid’s piano lessons been going?

Educate: I’ve been working hard on my relationship with food, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t comment on my food choices. If you want we can talk more about this later, but for now let’s just keep our eyes on our own plates. Thanks! 

Honk: What I’m eating really isn’t any of your business. 

Situation 2: Your Fitness Pal

You’re on the phone with your friend and he starts talking about this new diet and exercise routine that he’s going to try in order to lose “all this extra weight”. 

Swerve: Well, I like you at any size. Anyway, how have things been at work?

Educate: I’ve been learning a lot about diet culture lately, so I’m not really into the diet talk these days. Do you want to hear a little bit about what I’ve learned?

Honk: I love you but I’m not the right person to talk to about this.

Situation 3: Aunt Misbehavin’

Your aunt is staying at your parents’ house for a few days and you come over to visit. At one point in the conversation she lets out a long sigh and says “You have such a pretty face. You’d look so good if you just lost a few pounds.”

Swerve: Anyway, I should get going. It was good seeing you!

Educate: That comment makes me uncomfortable. I’d prefer if you didn’t say anything about my body right now, positive or negative. Thanks!

Honk: What a weird, gross thing to say.


A final pep talk

Setting boundaries is a skill, and skills require practice! It’s normal to feel nervous when you’re new to driving, or when you’re driving in an unfamiliar place or in adverse weather conditions.

Try to remember that there are no perfect answers. Sometimes driving safely means staying off the road in certain conditions, driving slower than other drivers want you to, taking detours or shortcuts, or keeping pace with the flow of traffic even though it’s a different speed than you’d prefer. Sometimes taking care of yourself looks like “picking a fight” and sometimes it looks like “letting yourself get walked all over”. Ultimately it’s not your job to drive in a way that’s convenient to other drivers, it’s your job to drive in a way that you think is safe. Try to show yourself some grace and compassion. You’re doing the best you can. 

Good luck out there — drive safe!

Boundaries (Part One)

Posted by: Lee Thomas

Time to read: 4 minutes


One metaphor I like to use around boundaries is driving. So let’s talk about highway driving for a second.

A key thing about driving is that you only control your own vehicle. You can do basically nothing about how other people drive; all you can do is choose how you drive, and how you respond to their driving. If your plan for a smooth trip is controlling how other people drive, you’re in for a bad time.

We’ve got these lines painted on the highway. And the thing is, those lines actually do nothing to prevent cars from driving over them. But we’ve all collectively decided that those lines mean something, and the vast majority of the time most of us try really hard to not cross those lines, because we know they keep us safe and other people safe. 

The majority of boundaries we set will hopefully be like these lines. A lot of the time when we start talking about boundaries, our brains immediately jump to “well what if the person doesn’t respect those boundaries???” And I get it, because a lot of the time we’re coming into these conversations with experiences of people not caring about our boundaries. And we’re going to cover that “what if” a little later on.

But let’s be honest: sometimes we’re so sure that people won’t listen to our boundaries that we don’t even really express them. So let’s remember that on this road, we’ve just got these painted lines, but most people try to follow those lines most of the time. (People don’t follow them nearly as well when they’re impatient or not paying attention or don’t know the rules or think that their desires are more important than others. I’d argue that that’s all basically true for boundaries too). Many people, and hopefully most people in your life, want to treat you relatively well, but they need to see the lines in order to be able to do that.

But also, unfortunately, there’s some moments where the line just doesn’t quite cut it. Back to our highway. We don’t have just one painted line and then a huge plummeting cliff, right? We’ve got the line, and then a rumble strip, and then a shoulder, and then a ditch. I think it can be helpful to think of boundaries in a similar way. We can have layers of boundaries and consequences, it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing approach.

The last part of this metaphor is the importance of being proactive. We learn about driving before we get in the car. We do up our seatbelts. We think about the conditions we’re going to be driving in, and we try to set our expectations accordingly. We drive differently in a nighttime winter storm than on a clear sunny day, and that can be true about boundaries too. It’s almost always more effective to set people up for success by communicating needs in advance than it is to set boundaries in the moment… but that’s a blog post for a different day.

This part of the boundaries talk doesn’t translate well into the driving analogy, so I’m just going to say it directly: we don’t live in a very pro-boundary culture. We’re usually taught (implicitly or explicitly) that setting a boundary is harmful to our relationships, that boundaries are something we do as a punishment, and that a healthy relationship should never need conversations about boundaries because the other person should just know how you feel without you ever having to express it. 

But that isn’t true. Boundaries are a gift to our relationships. Setting boundaries sometimes sucks, but that’s actually part of what makes them such a gift. We don’t do things that suck for relationships we don’t care about. And often the more that it sucks and feels awkward and messy, the more of an act of caring it is. It’s way easier to avoid an awkward situation and just cut someone out of your life lol.

Setting boundaries is part of the messy business of learning to care for other people and for ourselves. I feel like this idea is summed up beautifully by this quote from Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

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